I'm sharing my pregnancy & birth story for my first born child Matt who was born at the start of the global Covid pandemic in April 2020. I hope my birth story offers insight into my first birth experience & resonates with you in some way.
Nadine x
THE PREGNANCY JOURNEY
My husband & I were in Italy & Greece experiencing a Europe summer on a month long holiday (ahh take me back already!). It was the least stressed I had been in years on this trip and not long after we returned home we found out we were expecting our first child! The pregnancy was “textbook” and I don’t recall ever feeling nervous about what could go wrong. I was so nauseous for the first 16 weeks.
My younger brother Matt passed away tragically when I was pregnant. I was 1 week off telling him our news. His passing added another layer of trauma and complexity to our pregnancy and my postpartum experience.
I dragged my husband to a Calm Birth class to prepare for the birth. This was really important to me as I am quite a structured person in my thinking – so having a framework to help me make decisions made me feel like I was in control. He thought it was very “woo woo” but did appreciate that it helped me mentally prepare myself for the birth and ensure I had a framework to use to help me feel empowered and like I was making informed decisions. In saying al of that my birth plan was to birth the baby however was safest for the baby and myself.
MATERNITY LEAVE COMMENCES
I finished work at 34 weeks and began maternity leave. I recall the excitement of the impending arrival and was so excited to wash all the newborn clothes and finish the nursery. I couldn’t picture myself with a child which was ironic & the whole experience was very surreal. I gave birth at a public hospital and was seen routinely for antenatal visits. As it was the pandemic it meant my husband couldn’t attend any appointments with me. I didn’t get in to the midwife program however I saw the Obstetricians regularly as I have a blood disorder they needed to monitor. At 38 weeks the baby was measuring small so they discussed potentially inducing me if I didn’t go into labour naturally soon. I felt prepared for this given my Calm Birth class. On a side note I remember going to the supermarket at this time and the pandemic caused such scaremongering that there was no toilet paper on the shelves. It was difficult getting baby formula as well - I recall panicking in case I might not have been able to breastfeed my baby & what would I do if there was a national shortage of baby formula! I stocked up on a few tins just in case as well as a gas burner in case it got to doomsday status.
At 39 weeks they offered a stretch and sweep. I had heard this was quite common to bring on labour so I agreed, however it was incredibly uncomfortable. Sadly I did not have a positive experience during this consult and unfortunately like so many of you I experienced emotional and physical trauma which ultimately impacted my birth. My cervix wasn't ready at all and it was recommended I be induced as I was nearing 40 weeks and they were still concerned the baby was on the smaller side. I agreed to the induction. I remember her saying "if you don't you will be going against medical advice". I was prepared to be induced if it meant my baby was safe so I agreed and went into the hospital at 40 weeks, 2 days gestation to be induced.
INDUCTION TIME
The midwives were incredible and I had the induction tape inserted at about 5.30pm. I noticed it felt like instant burning. They moved me back to the ward and told me I could watch some Netflix, eat some dinner and relax, then I would have a great sleep and they would wake me in the morning & start the drip for the induction (doesn't sound too bad does it!) My husband left to bring our favourite takeaway back – it kind of felt like my last supper! He returned about 7.30pm and I was still sitting on the edge of the bed where he left me in a considerable amount of pain. He didn’t think I was meant to be in this much pain so called the nurse who monitored the baby and low and behold I was in labour with full contractions 2 mins apart. Apparently I had gone into active labour after the tape was inserted which isn’t very common so they wheeled me straight back down to birth suite. My husband left to go home to bring the labour bag in as we weren’t expecting anything to happen until the morning.
THE LABOUR
I utilised all the strategies Calm Birth had taught us. Our birth plan stayed the same – get the baby out as safe as possible. I usually love having a hot shower on my back to ease any kind of discomfort so I moved to the shower. I was no longer in there for about 5 mins and quickly realised I needed to move to the next option of pain relief. Contractions were still strong and consistent by now and it was 1.30am. I was feeling exhausted but still calm. The gas didn’t seem to touch the sides at all and by 3.30am the team suggested I consider an epidural to give me some rest and effective pain relief. At this stage I was only around 3cm dilated so still had a while to go. I remember thinking “I thought inductions were meant to be quick!”. I used the TENS machine until I had the epidural and was basically holding down the maximum button consistently by this stage.
I didn’t think twice about the epidural and was in instant relief as soon as it was in. I was able to get some sleep and by the morning and change of shift with the birth suite team I had progressed to about 8 or 9cm dilated. I was excited as it meant baby was nearly here. My husband and I were already exhausted. It got to about 1.30pm I wasn’t progressing and part of my cervix still wasn’t dilated. They increased the drip and turned me on both sides for a while to try and get to fully dilated (the details of this are sketchy as I was so exhausted by this stage). I started pushing however no change in status and it appeared that baby wasn’t going to come. I was so tired by this stage that it was recommended I have an emergency caesarean (“failure to progress”). This was naively the one thing I had not prepared for – a caesarean. I cried. I felt defeated and that I had failed. I knew logically this was the right next step but it still felt like I had failed. The birth team had been amazing throughout my labour. My husband & I then prepared for the theatre room. I felt ok but my mind was racing trying to think "how can I make this a great birth in the theatre…aside from delayed cord clamping." That was as far as I got!
THE CAESAREAN BIRTH
The anaesthetist was incredible as I entered the theatre and calmed me down as I started getting the shakes which caught me off guard. I was petrified of being able to feel the incision even though I logically knew I was anaesthetised. The caesarean went without a hitch and I recall the moment they held my baby up for the first time and we saw it was baby boy! I remember feeling so elated it was a boy as we had decided if it was a boy we would name him "Matt" after my younger brother who passed away. It was incredible watching this tiny little body rise up above the curtain to meet us. He was soon on my chest and I remember being in awe of this little human we had created. In all honesty however, I didn’t have the instant bond or emotional connection I assumed would happen straight after giving birth. I didn't know it at the time that it is actually quite common for the mother-baby bond to happen over time (not instantly like I assumed).
THE START OF THE BREASTFEEDING JOURNEY
We started the first breastfeed in recovery and it was amazing to see my newborn try to crawl to the breast as apparently it’s not common in babies following a caesarean. Given this, I thought breastfeeding would be so natural and a breeze – how wrong I was! I ended up going back to the ward around 7.30pm and by this stage visiting hours were over so my husband was asked to go home. This was devastating as I had just given birth and he wasn’t allowed to stay. I was so exhausted from being awake for the last 36hrs and I felt utterly exhausted. I recall the midwife doing nearly everything for the baby that first night as I couldn’t move and wasn’t awake enough after the caesarean.
The next day I was in quite a lot of pain. Matt was having colostrum as my milk hadn’t come in yet. The inconsistent advice around breastfeeding from shift to shift came flooding in which caused so much anxiety. I had no idea what to do and everyone had a different idea of what I should or shouldn’t do to help improve Matt’s latch. The pain attempting to breastfeed was toe curling. It wasn't long before my nipples were bleeding and felt like razor blades. Everyone kept telling me it hurts initially and you just have to push through it. So I did.
THE START OF MY MATRESCENCE JOURNEY
That night Matt didn’t sleep at all. Not even a wink. The midwife had prepared me for that as he cluster fed trying to bring my milk in. But this meant I was looking to be awake for another 24 hrs and was already beyond exhausted. By 11pm I told the midwife I was going to go home the next morning as I had support of my husband who was waiting at home who could assist settling the baby at night so I could sleep. He was only allowed in for 2 hrs due to the pandemic and we weren’t allowed to leave my room. As the midwife completed the discharge paperwork in preparation for the following morning I remember her saying “if you can get about 5 hrs sleep in a 24hr period that’s great when you’re home”. I remember that so vividly. I thought what the actual F. Who can live on that lack of (broken) sleep?! It was then that the penny really dropped – this was going to be the hardest thing I'd ever done. I knew I wasn’t going to cope with that level of sleep deprivation. All I knew was I needed to get home to have some support from my husband. I was an emotional wreck by this stage.
True to predictions Matt cluster fed all night and we were up that whole night. My husband came in at 8am as soon as visiting hours were open and I was packed and ready to go. We were so excited to take our precious boy home. I remember walking out to the car feeling so proud. We did it. We literally made a human & I birthed him (insert my smug face here). We got home and there were some beautiful gifts at the doorstep. The first reminder we were in a global pandemic and in lockdown. Masks and no visitors marked the start of my postpartum experience & my real matrescence journey had just begun.